Yesterday, I really thought that I was dealing well with our loss. I was doing everything that I thought I should to move on.
- I started a new project- I hired a personal trainer. I thought that it would give me something else to focus on, a new goal to strive for. I wanted to do something that is going to make me feel better about who I am.
- I went for a little retail therapy. I had put off buying any new clothes, thinking that I would be pregnant, so I have no clothes for this summer weather. I went and bought a few things, nothing major, but a few staples.
- I went to girl's night last night with some great friends. We had dinner at Barnaby's and had a great time! Thanks, girls. I was going to back out, but decided that it would be good for me to get out and have a little fun. I am glad that I went.
- I was planning to go back to work today. To get back in a routine, see my friends, keep my mind busy.
I feel guilty. I feel like I am being dramatic. That I should just suck it up and get back to work. I think that if I had any other job in the world, I would be able to do it. But, not my job. I just can't, at least not today.
Rusty and I are going on our church retreat this weekend. We are hoping to spend some quality time together and with the Lord. Our prayer is that our hearts will start the healing process this weekend and we will come back and be able to start fresh next week. I need to get my heart right, so that I can be the kind of nurse that my patients deserve.
I realized that I have put up a good front, doing the things that I think I should and that people want to see. But inside, I am still very broken.
10 comments:
No one expects you to bounce back and act as if you haven't been through anything. Sounds like you are taking small, important steps to heal and you just need more time. We'll be praying for you both while you're on your retreat this weekend.
Hey Jenni - I just caught up on your news and am so sorry for your loss. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get back into your normal routine, especially getting back to work. After my miscarriages one of my friends encouraged me to let myself feel every emotion, cry when I'm sad, smile when I have a happy moment, sleep when it seems unbearable to be conscience another minute. It felt like I felt every emotion possible in about every minute of my day. You have had a great loss, your world has been rocked, I'm glad that you are taking your time going back to work. I know that this weekend will be a great refresher for you and Rusty. I pray that the Lord will fill you with HIS joy and peace.
Jennifer you are awesome, and I think it is very good idea to make your heart "right". You will be an awesome nurse because you are so conscience about it. Just know that you can be such a witness to your patients and that makes you the more wiser! I LOVE YOU JENNIFER ANN ( i hope that is your middle name! )
p.s. have a wonderful weekend! :)
It's ok to grieve, Jennifer. It's healthy to grieve even. Allow yourself to work through your emotions. I'm willing to bet that you are being harder on yourself than anyone else.
After my last IVF cycle failed, I didn't go to work for several days. I felt that by going back to work I was moving on, and I wasn't ready to do that yet. I am so glad that I called in to work and asked for the additional days off. It was healing for me on so many levels. Allow yourself this time too.
I pray your weekend is blessed. That you and Rusty will feel the strength of the Lord, that He will give you a new sense of joy and peace, and He will give you an abundance of opportunities to have fun together and with your friends too!
Hugs,
Erica
You have such amazingly wise friends who obvisously love you and our Lord. I couldn't say it any better except that I have witnessed enough suffering to understand the phrase "time is the best healer".
Sorry I didn't sign my name above--Elaine White
I am so glad you commented! I understand brokenness my friend. If you ever need to talk, let's do.
Ok, so I have spent the last 45 minutes reading your words with smiles and tears. I am so sorry for your loss and loss of the hope. I think about our short season of life spent together and truly miss you. The depth of pain and joy the Lord has allowed you to experience is overwhelming. I have to believe with everything in me it is because He loves you so much. I am praying that you feel that to the depths of your heart. I am so glad you are a fellow blogger so I can be a small part of your life from afar. Praying for you tonight friend!!!
Be who you are and what you feel. There is no healing in "sucking it up" to make everyone else feel better. Be still and know that HE is God. In that stillness He will begin the healing process.
I love you friend!
cindy
I am praying for you daily. I pray that God will give you the comfort and peace that only He can give. As I read your blog, I have discovered that you are an amazing woman and nurse. Your faith and trust in the Lord is so refreshing, and the importance of your patients to you is incredible. I know that many women have been blessed by your care! Hope you enjoy your weekend!
In His Love,
Lindsay (Melanie's sister-in-law)
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