"If you sayed yes, Thank You."

I recently found a letter that I wrote to God many years ago.....

I struggle to have the faith that I did at 5 years old. To be able to say,

"Thank you God for doing what I know you are capable of, even though you have not done it yet."

He didn't say yes. He chose not to heal her. I don't know why and I will never know. That wouldn't have been my plan. It wouldn't have been my choice.

But, I trust Him. I trust that He had a plan and that He knew what was best for me. I can do that because of how He has provided for me since He took her away. And even though he didn't say yes, I still choose to thank Him for all that He has given me in her absence. I have been blessed with a family and a life that I might not otherwise know.

For the last three years, I have struggled with how to approach God with our infertility. You see, I trust that The One who created us, has the ability to heal us. I believe in miracles and that my God is big enough to do what the doctors cannot.

But, how do I know if that is His plan for us? How do I trust Him to heal us, but keep my heart open to the fact that He might choose not to. He might have something even greater in store for us, something that I do not yet even know that I want. Having a biological child is my plan, but maybe it's not His.

But, I do know this, I will choose to thank Him anyway. Because I trust that no matter how He chooses to make us parents, we are still in the palm of His hand. He has not forgotten us and He will provide for us, every step of the way. Through this journey, we have been blessed by so many things that we might not otherwise have, things that I didn't yet know that I needed. We have been given a strong, solid marriage, cherished friends and loved ones that encourage and pray for us and a closer walk with the One that we cling to for the wisdom and strength that we are not capable of on our own.

It has taken me three years to get to a place where I once said that I would never, ever be. It is the place where I can sincerely say.....

Thank you Lord,

even if you "sayed" No.

Halloween

If you have ever met or heard stories about our next door neighbor, you know he is quite a character. Sylvester Morris  or "Cat" is a retired NFL player. He played for Kansas City Chiefs before knee injuries forced him to leave the league. Now, he sits at home all day and plays X-Box with his buddies.  He is a hoot and I love living next door to him because he is a constant source of entertainment for us. 

Well, this year Rusty and I decided that it would be funny to dress up like Cat and his wife Lauren. The pictures probably aren't quite as funny if you don't know these two, but they really got a kick out of it. 

Cat is always wearing an undershirt, but I couldn't get Rusty to go that far, so he wore Cat's second favorite outfit- red t-shirt with red basketball shorts. He pulls his braids up into a ponytail and when he is golfing, he sticks his tees in his hair for safe keeping. 

Lauren always wears long maxi dresses and has a glass of white wine in her hand!

(Please excuse the bad pictures. My real camera is in the shop for 2-3 weeks! I am in withdrawl, by the way but that's a whole other post!)

The Riley Boys

Beckett and Eli are here!

The boys were born at 36 weeks are in the NICU for some minor complications that come with being preterm. Please pray for quick healing so that they can be back where they belong, in the arms of their momma, soon. 

I am so proud of you, Lu and thrilled for your sweet family. 

Thank you for letting me be a part of such a special day! 

NY City

Rusty is working in New York for several weeks, so this weekend I got to go and see him for a few days. We had a such a wonderful time and I was so sad to leave him and come home. 

We stayed at The Palace Hotel which was just amazing! It is right in the heart of Midtown and we were just blocks away from some of the most fun parts of the city! This was the view from our room:

Isn't it beautiful? From our window, you could see St. Patrick's cathedral 

and Radio City Music Hall

We have both been to NYC before, so we did not do many of the typical touristy things, but we did walk around in the afternoons and see some of the sights. 

We went to Rockefeller Center

and Times Square

We shopped in a few of our favorite stores: 

Rusty at the NBA shop 

and me at the candy department of FAO Schwarz 

We saw Chicago  which I enjoyed, but I guess I am a little naive and do not understand why everything always has to have such crude humor! We did have fourth row seats, which made the show more entertaining. You could literally see the spit coming out of their mouths under the lights! 

(Please forgive the blurry picture, I was trying to be discreet and no flash makes it difficult to catch a moving target!)

We slept late every day and we ate WAY too much:

We had some New York Style pizza at John's Pizzeria in Times Square. It's a really cool old church that they have converted into a restaurant. 

We also had a fantastic meal at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse where they quickly found the way to my heart through blue cheese encrusted filet and au gratin potatoes. 

But one of my favorite restaurants,  we found based on the recommendation of my friend, Jenna. There is this really cool little place called The Papillon Bistro where you can have dinner while Opera singers perform. It was a "locals" spot where regulars come each week and it was not crowded with tourists.

It was such fun dinner and though we felt pretty uncultured by the fact that we were the only ones in the restaurant that did not know the words to the songs, we still enjoyed ourselves! We fell in love with this sweet woman from Russia who played the piano! We wanted to bring her home with us! 

I didn't even think about taking video until the show was ending, but I did catch the final few notes:

I have another great one of our sweet pianist's solo, but am having a hard time getting it loaded. I will add it if I can ever get it to work. You have to see her- she is just such a doll!

A little less Debbie Downer...

Jen tagged me with this award and since my blog is in need of a lighter post, I decided to play along...

Rules

1. You can only use one word.

2. Pass this along to six of your favorite bloggers.

3. Alert them that you have given them this award.

4. Have fun!

The Survey:

1. Where is your cell phone? Charger

2. Your hair? Brown

3. Your mother? Heaven

4. Your father? Busy

5. Your favorite food? Mexican

6. Your dream last night? Twins

7. Your favorite drink? Diet Coke

8. Your dream/goal? Contentment

9. What room are you in? Office

10. Your hobby? Photography

11. Your fear? Disapproval

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Kindergarten

13. Where were you last night? Sewing

14. Something that you aren't? Athletic

15. Muffins? Blueberry

16. Wish List Item? Patio

17. Where did you grow up? Tulsa

18. Last thing you did? Procrastinate

19. What are you wearing? Work-out

20. Your TV? Rusty's

21. Your pets? Neurotic

22. Friends? Blessings

23. Your life? Entertaining

24. Your mood? Overwhelmed

25. Missing someone? Several

26. Vehicle: Dirty

27. Something you're not wearing: Earrings

28. Your favorite store? Target

29. Your favorite color? Brown

30. When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday

31. Last time you cried? Yesterday

32. Your best friend? Several

33. One place that I go over and over? Hospital

34. One person who emails me regularly? Rusty

35. Favorite place to eat? The Melting Pot

So, normally, I am a rule follower, but today I am going to break rule #s 2 & 3. If you want to play along, pretend that I tagged you! :)

Update

I realize that I have been a terrible blogger lately and I apologize. 

I always know that it is time to update when I start getting the question on a daily basis, "So what's going on? Where are you guys with the fertility stuff?"

The answer, I am afraid, is not very exciting. Nothing is happening. Because of Rusty's work schedule, we really aren't able to proceed with anything right now. He has a trial in New York scheduled for December and when he is not traveling, he will be busy working and unable to travel to Austin for appointments. 

We still do not really have a plan on how we are going to proceed yet, anyway. We just don't have a peace about which direction we are supposed to go in, so we continue to wait. In the meantime, we continue to pray for complete healing and for a miracle!

I haven't shared much on the blog about specific health issues or what our options are, so you might be reading this and be lost. But, please just continue to pray that when the time is right, we will both know in our hearts how we are supposed to proceed. 

One of the reasons that I haven't posted much is because I am really struggling right now. I have said it before and I will say it again, but I don't want to be the "Debbie downer" blog that is whining and crying about what I don't have. I am so thankful for all that the Lord has blessed me with and I have not lost sight of that. I do not ever want to come across as feeling sorry for myself. But, this season has it's ups and downs and I am currently walking through some tough days.

Working as an L&D nurse has really started to pay it's toll on my emotions. For two years, I have gone there with a smile on my face and served my patient's in the best way that I knew how. But lately, it's just too hard for me to fake a smile. When I have a patient that tests positive for drugs, has had no prenatal care or takes their precious miracle for granted, I just don't have the strength to take care of them anymore. I cry as I drive to work and I cry all the way home. That isn't healthy for me or my coworkers that have to put up my bad attitude (sorry guys!) Although the thought is still overwhelming to me, I have been considering a change. L&D is all that I have ever done, so the idea of having to learn something new really scares me.

So that's why I have posted....It's easier for me to just not post at all, than to feel like I am throwing a pity party. But, I was recently reminded that the people who read this, read because they love Rusty and I and they want to know what is going on with us- the good and the bad. We cannot thank you enough for your support! Thanks for loving us even on the tough days!

So maybe you should just stick with Jenni

Turns out, I am no Martha at all. 

I just wasted 4 hours of my life. I should have been more productive, but instead, I tried to sew. 

The first hour was spent threading the bobbin and machine. Turns out that is way easier when you have a sewing teacher talking you through it. 

Once I finally accomplished that, I started a few projects. 3 very mediocre things in 4 long hours- not quite proficient yet, if you ask me. 

The first thing I did was a pillowcase for my nephew. He has two "Taggie" blankets that he loves, so I thought that this was a way for him to have his taggies with him at night!

The sewing job is embarrassing, but thankfully, he is 3 and will not care how straight the thread is!

I also made a pink version. The sewing was better on this one, but my ribbons are not perfectly straight which drives me crazy! Maybe I am too OCD to sew!

And finally, the burp cloth. Folded over, you can't quite tell how bad it is, but unfolded you can tell that I had a bit of trouble. I guess this one won't be a gift, but will stay here for any babies that come to visit! 

I know that there are many ways to do these, so next time I will try something different, but I had to give up for today.  

Next week... Baby blankets!