Thank You

I wanted to say "Thank You" to each of you for your sweet words of encouragement, but mostly for your prayers.
The news that I am not pregnant did not come as a shock to me. As much as I wanted it, I felt in my heart that it was not going to happen. The last few days, it seems that everything around me was God preparing me for loss. From the sermon at church on Sunday to literally EVERY song I heard on the radio.
At HFBC, we are studying Exodus. On Sunday, we studied Exodus 2 and the events surrounding Moses' birth. This story is so emotional for me to begin with (much less pumped full of hormones!) Not all of you know my full story and maybe in time, I will share it. But, for those of you that do, I am sure that you can imagine why this story touches my heart so. That a mother, loving her child so much, was willing to live without him in order to protect him. I can't even think of the story without being consumed by the memories of standing at the river bank and watching the basket drift away. Pastor Gregg used this story to tell of how often God does things that do not make sense to us. But, in hindsight, it all becomes clear. That so many things that He puts in our lives are to prepare us and to set the stage for something great to happen. Moses was born at the perfect time, to the perfect parents. That was no mistake. Because of the midwives and his mother's obedience, Moses was placed in a family that would allow him to become the leader that God intended him to be. God's timing is never off. He will give us the right child at precisely the right time and in precisely the right way.
Driving to the doctor on Monday, I was listening to an interview with a Christian artist, Natalie Grant, who was talking about her struggles with infertility. She spoke of the lessons that she has learned regarding God's relentless pursuit of us, no matter what is happening. That He is always there, in the good times and the bad. She said, "It may not always work out the way that we think it should, but God is still there and He still has you in His hand." I knew in my heart, at that moment, God was preparing my heart to accept that He is not going to work this out the way that I think He should.
The timing of this news falls on the week before we go on a Sunday School retreat this weekend. We will have a chance to get away to Round Top and spend some quiet time alone with each other and with God. We will be surrounded by great friends that have been praying for us and will love on us. I know that this weekend is no coincidence. It would be a joy to celebrate the good news with them, but it is going to be even more important to be there now that we have this news.
Don't get me wrong. I am devastated. Yesterday, I thought that I was literally going to die of a broken heart. It was a pain that I have felt before and I prayed that I would NEVER feel again. But, if you had asked me nine years ago, I would have told you that I couldn't survive another day. But, here I am. I am amazed at how God is able to use my wounds to help others. I know that this too, will be a tool to minister to someone else. He will pick us up. He will carry us through. And someday, I will be able to stand again and He will be able to use this for His glory.
I have a peace today that I know only comes from your prayers. I am ready to pick up the pieces and move forward. We have made some appointments with specialists for later this month. It will probably be a while until we take any action, but we want to know what our options are. We need time to heal, emotionally and physically. It is a very draining and expensive process. Unfortunately, our insurance is not covering a penny of the costs and we do not want to get ourselves into debt. So, we will need some time to save up some money before proceeding. Please continue to pray for wisdom and patience. I am very anxious about going back to work. I am afraid that out of selfishness, I will not be a good nurse. I don't want to ruin anyone's special birth experience because of my jealousy. Please pray for me in that area, as well.
Thank you again for your support. I have never felt so loved as I have over the past few weeks.