Happy Birthday, Holland

Thursday, February 11th, 1999. I cannot believe that 10 years have gone by since the day that I met my son.

My due date was February 14th, but I was a scheduled induction. There was so much about the entire situation that was so overwhelming to me. This was one way that I could have some control in the midst of it. And, it took away some of the fear and anxiety of when I would go into labor.

I remember walking into the hospital that morning as if it were yesterday. I was so afraid. Not of any physical pain, but knowing that today was the last day that I would feel my son kicking inside of me. It was the last day that I would be able to call him "mine." After today, I would be alone.

The morning went pretty smoothly. I think that I was about 5 cm when I got my epidural. My dad had to stay in the room and hold me so that I would stay still. I was so blessed to have him there to support me on this day, but I remember thinking how wrong it all felt. This shouldn't have to be my dad's role.

At 3 o'clock they checked me and I was completely dilated and ready to push. I remember them saying, "Ok. It's time. Are you ready?" That's when I lost it. "NO!! I am not ready! I don't want this to be over. I am not ready to lose him!" All I can remember is how scared I felt.

The nurse that I had all day was terribly insensitive and made me feel like I was complete trash for being in this "situation." But about that time, another nurse took over my care. She was young, vibrant so compassionate! She had such a kind spirit and completely put me at ease. This woman is one of the reasons that I decided to become a labor nurse. I realized how much the nurse can impact your experience. I was determined that no patient of mine would ever feel the way that the first nurse made me feel, no matter what their story is!

During the pushing, I had such amazing support and coaching. Both of my parents there helping me hold my legs back to push (Yeah, you want to talk about bonding QUICKLY with your dad! It wasn't in the plan for him to be there for this part, but I freaked out at the end and needed his support.) Cindy was there as well, holding the emesis basin for me to puke into after every push!

After 2 hours and 45 minutes of pushing, my 10lb 1oz toddler decided to finally come out!

And then, all I could feel was emptiness.
I put my hand on my stomach and he wasn't there. It was just empty.

The nurses cleaned him off and handed him to me. I looked into his eyes and I fell in love. If you have a child, whether they came from your belly or not, you know this love that I am talking about. The first time that you laid eyes on your child and knew at that moment that your life would never be the same. It is a love like none other and one that I didn't even know my heart was big enough to contain. It is absolutely indescribable.

So, today I celebrate Holland. Though it breaks my heart to not be able to be a part of his life, I would not be the woman that I am today without him. I love him even more today than I did the day we met.

My prayer is that someday he will know that.