Comfort...(you may want to get a snack, this is a long one)

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." (2 Corinthians 1: 3-7)

There have been so many times (especially in the last year) that God has made Himself so evident to me. He never ceases to amaze me with the ways that He continues to provide for all of my needs. I wanted to share one of these instances with you....
I was driving home from work one night after a terrible day. As a labor and delivery nurse, I spend my whole day comforting others and tending to their every need. All day, every day, I am around babies and people celebrating their babies. Most of the time, that is a true blessing for me. But, walking through infertility makes every day at my job emotionally draining. I invest in my patients and I want to be happy for them, so I feel so guilty when I am jealous of them. I am afraid that I am not being the best nurse possible because I am so overwhelmed with my selfishness. This particular day, I had been in triage, where we evaluate patients to determine if they are in labor or not. I had patient after patient after patient come in begging to be delivered because they are tired of being pregnant. They complained that their backs are sore, that their feet are swollen, that they can't sleep. I was starting to become very overwhelmed and just wanted to scream at them "Be thankful for those stretch marks, they are the evidence of a blessing! Oh, how I long to have swollen ankles and not be able to sleep." (Yes, you may remind me of those words if I ever complain about being pregnant.) The patient that through me over the edge was a sixteen year old. All of her family was around her, so excited about the baby that is coming. As I put her on the monitor, I was nauseated by the smell of smoke that permeated off of her. She complained that she has to "walk so far at school because the Seniors are allowed to park the closest" and "Can you believe how gross that stretch mark is?" That was it for me. I started to cry and had to leave the room. My shift was almost over, I just had to survive about 10 more minutes. Then, several of the nurses and doctors brought their kids to the unit to show how cute they looked in their Halloween costumes. I left that night feeling so isolated and alone. Am I the only person in the world that cannot have a baby?
On the way home, I was crying out to God that I needed His comfort. Yes, I know He is always there, but I needed Him there sitting in the passenger seat. I needed something physical to hold me and tell me that it is all going to work out. About the same time, the words of Ginny Owens were singing to me in the background "Teach me what it means to believe that you are strong enough to carry me, to trust you with my life, to believe you all the time." I prayed, "Lord, teach me what it means to believe. I say I believe in you, but show me what that looks like. I feel like my need for comfort is doubt in your ability to care for my every need."
When I got home, there was a letter in the mailbox from my friend, Jacque. Included was her rosary and the prayer for motherhood. Her note said, "I just wanted to let you know that we are praying for you. I know that you are not catholic, but please understand the meaning of this to me." Jacque has a beautiful daughter that spent the first few months of her life in the hospital on a heart lung bypass machine, facing surgery after surgery. They didn't know if she would even live. That rosary is what Jacque carried in the hospital and prayed over.
WOW! Short of actually coming down and sitting in the passenger seat, that is the most physical evidence of His comfort and presence that I can imagine. Though the rosary itself is not something that I would have relied on for comfort, this one and what is symbolizes brings me so much comfort! It sits on my bedside table. It is the first thing that I see in the morning and the last thing that I see at night. Each time I look at it, I am reminded of God's provision for me. He is so good. If my future children never learn anything else from me, I want them to know that God is faithful and He will provide for their EVERY need.
I look forward to the day that I can give it back to Jacque. I don't think she will ever understand the magnitude of how God used her that day! Thank you, Jacque!