Final results

I just got the final results and I am not pregnant.

The pain this time is different than after our last round. Last time, I grieved the loss of our babies and was devastated. But, I was hopeful that it just wasn't God's timing.

With this failed round, I grieve for three more babies lost. But with that, is the grief that comes with knowing that I will never have a biological child with my husband. This round showed us that there is probably something genetically abnormal and another round of ivf is not an option for us.

Although some of you know my story, not all of you do. I have alluded to some of it, but want to share a little with you. I don't know why I feel the need to do this today, other than it is somehow cathartic to me to write all of this out.

On February 11th, 1999, I gave birth to the most precious little boy. I named him Holland (my maiden name) Thomas (after my father). Holland was conceived as a product of date rape and I was never in a relationship with his 'father'. Though I desperately wanted to be a part of this baby's life, I knew that I could not give him all that he deserved. As a mother, I wanted the very best for my child- even if that meant that I could not be the one to give it to him. I made the very painful decision to place him for adoption.

I could talk for days about what the past 10 years of my life has been like. There is not one moment of one day that passes that Holland is not on my mind. I love him as much as any mother loves her child. He is my world- even if I don't get to be a part of his. To be a mother and not get to be mommy, is indescribable pain.

The only thought that has gotten me through the last (almost) 11 years of my life is that someday, I would marry my godly husband, have a baby and get to be "mom". Today, I grieve the loss of that dream as well.

I fully understand that DNA does not make a parent. I believe with all of my heart that Holland's parents love him the same way that I do. I don't believe that adoption makes you any less of a parent. Our goal is to be a parent and if adoption is how God chooses to do that, then we want to be open to that.

But, as a birthmom, I hope that you can see why that road is even more difficult for me. I bring different factors to the table than just any other couple. It doesn't make my hurt any deeper than theirs, but it does make it different.

Today's grief makes me grieve for Holland in a whole new way. It tears open the wound that I have spent so many years trying to heal. Having another biological child could never replace Holland, but I always felt that it would be the next step in the healing process.

This may all be rambling and for that I apologize. I just wanted to share one more piece of the story with you, so that you might better understand where I am coming from.

Please continue to pray for Rusty and I. We will have a lot of prayerful decisions to make in our future. We are going to need buckets of wisdom and guidance. But tonight, we are focusing on each other- begging for God to pour his comfort and peace and to protect our marriage. We mourn the loss of three more babies, but know that they are safe in the palm of our Father's hand tonight.