Thank you, Mrs. Linda and Mr. Ted!

What a beautiful surprise to lift my spirits. And you even remembered my favorite, white roses. We are so blessed to have so many of you to love on us and encourage us through this time.

Last night, I had the opportunity to go to Converge to hear Beth Moore and Travis Cottrell. It was a wonderful night of worship and I am so glad that I went. Those of you who were there will understand, but her words spoke right to my heart. In a room of 6,000 people, I felt like she was speaking just for me. I wont even attempt to recap it, because no one can deliver the word like she can!

I realized yesterday, that I have not even let myself grieve. I cried a little when I gave Rusty and my mom the news, but since then, I have really just been numb. I have gotten right back into a routine. I have been distracted with my health issues and Rusty traveling, so I haven't sat down and even talked to him about it. I know how I should feel and the truth is I desperately want to feel that way and so that is the way I present myself. Last night, all of the emotion came at once.

I realized that I lost three babies and I allowed my heart to grieve for them. I sat with my face in my hands and sobbed- you know the snot running into the mouth, sweaty, blubbery kind of sobbing. My sweet friend Tami was with me and I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have her at my side. It felt so good to release all of that emotion.

There are so many things that I took away from last night:
I realized that my disappointment has been a stronghold in my life. I have been so preoccupied with what I do not have, that I have not taken the time to be grateful for what I do have. My disappointment is something that I need to take to the altar and surrender to Him.

I learned that God still is who I know him to be. I was telling Tami before the worship started that it felt terrible to even say out loud, but I was beginning to question my whole relationship with God. I know in my head who He has proven Himself to be in my life. But, how can I believe that He is what He says He is, in the midst of this much pain? I was praying that very prayer and I kid you not, He threw the answer at me. They were singing "Lord, You're Holy" and when they reached the chorus, the graphics on the ginormous screen behind Travis flashed
Wonderful, Glorious, Holy and Righteous, Victorious, Conqueror, Triumphant and Mighty, Healer, Deliver, Shield and Defense, Strong Tower and My Best Friend, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Soon Coming King, Alpha, Omega, Lord of Everything....
And He spoke to my heart, "That is who I am. It is who you know me to be. Any more questions?"

I asked Tami, "Why me?" Haven't I been through enough hurt for one lifetime? My life has been a series of struggles and it seems that just when I recover from one, the next one begins. My mom died of cancer when I was six, I struggled with eating disorders, depression, an unplanned pregnancy, placing a child for adoption, fighting in court for years to terminate the "father's" rights only to have him win visitation from the adoptive parents. Meanwhile, I (the one who chose to give him life) don't even get a Christmas card. Now, I can't even have the one thing that I have always wanted the most, the one thing that I have prayed for every day for the last ten years... to have a baby with my wonderful, godly husband and get to be not just a mother, but a mommy.
"What are you doing, Lord? Why me, God? Isn't it someone else's turn?

Beth spoke about how these trying times of disappointment should be a blessing. How some things seem to come so naturally for so many others (like having a baby) and we look at God saying, "See Lord, it's not that hard. I am not asking for much here!" But what happens naturally for them, can only happen supernaturally for me. He will move in my life and when He does, there will be no other explanation except that God is who He says He is. His power and glory will be shown through my life. I am not being picked on, I am hand-picked by Him.

Through this situation, He may not give me what I am asking for, but He will give me something greater, something that I did not even know to ask for.

You gotta love Beth. She is such an amazing teacher. Amanda, her daughter, was in Aggie Sisters for Christ at the same time that I was and Beth came to speak to us one night. It was the first time that I had ever heard her, but she spoke to my heart in such a way. I can even still remember what she taught, 10 years later. I was amazed at the obvious anointing of this woman and how God was using her in such mighty ways. Since she goes to our church, I have had the opportunity to hear her many times and I am always so blessed. Rusty and I went to the altar to pray last weekend and I joked that I was going to stop and grab Beth by the hand and take her with us. I told Rusty, if He hears anybody's prayers, you know Beth has got to be one of them! She is always good for some laughs, but I have never left her teaching without even more tears.