The Woolleys

I know that I have been a terrible blogger lately, but it has not been intentional. I have started many posts and then decided not to publish them. Everything that I have to say right now seems so negative and I just don't want to be the "Debbie Downer" blog. But, at the risk of people thinking I am whiner, I feel the need to be authentic. Pretty or not, this is just part of the process.

I realize that I have so much to be thankful for and that I am blessed woman. I don't ever want to lose sight of that and begin focus on what I don't have.

But, as with any grief process, there are stages of grief in infertility. There are good days and bad days, seasons of hope and of despair. I have felt the entire range of emotions over the past few years. I have ridden the roller coaster of ups and downs. There have been times of real growth and hopefully the Lord has used me during those times to encourage others.

But right now, I am really down. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Exhausted. I don't want to walk through this anymore.

I had no idea that Easter would be so hard for me, but for some reason it just really set me off. I was a basket-case. I barely made it through the service and then I came home and cried all day. I saw all of these perfect families celebrating together and it made me sad. I want that.

Last year, on Easter Sunday, we got the news that we had 16 eggs! I was so overwhelmed with the thought that we could have 16 babies! There was so much hope for the future, so much potential. I can't believe how different this Easter was. All of that hope is gone.

I am burned out at work. Though I love my job and know that it is where God has called me to be, it is really tough to go there day after day. The "good" days remind me of the joy that others have and I don't. The "bad" days frustrate me that selfish morons get to have babies and I don't. It is a constant struggle to be the type of nurse that my patient's deserve.

Mother's Day, Birthmother's Day and my birthday are just around the corner. Really? Another one? I don't think I can handle it.

I am grieving for Holland like never before. Some of that is because of what I am walking through and some of it is because of some hurtful things that have occurred recently. Either way, the wound is open and very fresh right now. I don't know, maybe it will always be.

After a lot of thought, Rusty and I have decided to see a fertility specialist in Austin for a consult. Though we have a lot of confidence in our doctor, these are big decisions and it is a lot of responsibility to place on one man's shoulders. This doctor is Austin is highly regarded and we are going to let him review our records and give us a second opinion. If he says that he agrees that another ivf is not an option for us, I will then be able to deal with that and move on to consider our next options. But, I am afraid that if I do not hear it from someone else, I will always wonder if there was anything else that we could have done. Please pray for this appointment and that we will have a total peace, no matter what the doctor says.

Sorry for such a heavy post. I hope that I don't scare you off! It's just where I am right now. Though I am feeling sorry for myself right now, I know that it will get better. I will start to see some hope soon. I do trust that through this, God is still there carrying me. And when I cannot see His hand, I will trust His heart.