So much for relaxing..

I am struggling with my job right now. Although I love what I do, it is so difficult for me to be all that I need to be for my patients. It has always been frustrating to take care of some patients. The ones that have done drugs in pregnancy, not gotten any prenatal care, are having their 3rd child which CPS will take. But those patients did not incense me the way that they do now. I have such a hard time being patient with those people, with having compassion for them. My job requires me to serve these girls, to work my tail off for them. It is so physically and emotionally draining to give all of myself for 12 hours to someone that does not appreciate or even understand how hard I work for them. Even with the most amazingly wonderful, deserving moms, I struggle to balance my excitement for them and my jealousy of what they have.

And that is not fair to my patient. No matter who she is. It is not her fault that I can't have a child. Her birth experience should not be determined by her nurse's inability to conceive.

So, I get frustrated with the patient and I cry. Then I feel guilty for crying and feeling sorry for myself. My identity is wrapped up in my care and service of these women. If I am not being good to them, what am I doing there? I want to be all that they need regardless of how I feel that day. But, I am human and I am weak.

People suggest that I take time off, but I think that I would go even more crazy if I were just sitting at home. I need to be active, for my own sanity. Plus, as a total control freak, I need to feel like I am doing everything in my power to contribute financially to this investment. I want to take advantage of the time that I have to work, because we have no idea what God has in store for the future.

This past week was especially difficult for me. I had a really emotional day on Wednesday. I had a patient that was very physically and emotionally draining. This girl would never understand how hard it was for me to care for her. During her labor, I had to remove myself, crying, and I prayed for God to give me the strength to make it though. Things progressed quickly, the doctor did not make it in time and I delivered the baby. Before I went home, the father brought me roses with a note that said "Thank you for your help." Wow. Coming from a lot of patients, this would be a sweet gesture, but not shocking. From this patient, it blew my mind. I knew that it was either 1. God humbling me and telling me not to be so judgmental or 2. God giving me a reminder that He was there to give me strength. I really did not want to go back on Thursday, but I thought of that sweet gesture and talked myself into getting out of bed. Things couldn't get any worse, right? Wrong.

Thankfully, I have very sweet co-workers that will listen to me vent and bring me Kleenex. They have been so patient to not get tired of me and still encourage me, even when I am feeling sorry for myself. And I have an amazing husband that lets me come home from work and cry as long as I need to.

(This was supposed to be a short story about my day yesterday, but somehow you got all of that extra as a lead in....Sorry.)
So, Friday I had the day off and decided that it was going to be a "Jenni" day to relax and renew myself. I went to the gym and then headed off for a manicure and pedicure. During the pedicure, I got the same question that I get every day, "Do you have any kids yet?" My response, "No, not yet." "Why" she asked, "You don't like kids?" I probably would have hit her in the mouth, except for the fact that last week, we ran in to our friends Tae and Ashley and she was telling me this awful (yet hysterical) story about her nail lady asking her the same thing. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't get upset.

Then I headed off to a massage appointment. My favorite therapist just moved, so I had to try someone new. The entire session was ridiculous and a whole blog entry in itself, but the highlight was when she asked if I had any kids. I told her no, but (not wanting to get the previous response again), that we were going through fertility treatments. She said, "You just need to relax. When you stop worrying about it, it will happen."
I almost got up and walked out. So for the rest of the massage, I laid there clenching my teeth thinking of all of the things that I wanted to yell at her.

So much for a day of relaxing.

The moral of this story?
1. Never ask people when they are going to have a baby. You don't know what is going on with them. They may have been trying for 10 years. They may have just lost a baby. If they want to share with you their plans for a family, they will.
I get this question literally every single day. I know it is innocent on the other person's part, and that they would never want to hurt me, but it does. Before I walked in these shoes, I asked people this question too, not knowing any better. But now, I know.
2. NEVER tell someone that if they are trying to have a baby, to just relax. That it will happen when they stop stressing about it! If a glass of wine and a vacation were all that it took to have a baby, I would have been pregnant 2 years ago.
People mean well and are trying to offer the only encouragement that they can. But, sometimes there are significant medical issues that cannot be resolved with relaxation and it is very condescending to imply otherwise. You don't know what is going on with that couple's reproductive systems, so don't even try to assume that you do. It is always just better to let them know that you care, instead of trying to fix it.

Ok, I am stepping off of my soapbox now.