Roller Coaster day

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. My head is splitting and I don't know how much sense I will make, but I wanted to share the latest with you. I know that many of you check daily for updates and I am so honored that you are walking this journey with me. I can never wait to get home and post, knowing that the Lord is then bombarded with prayers on our behalf. As my sweet Dr. Moore said, "Heaven's ears must be ringing from all of the prayers sent on behalf of the Woolley babies!"

Rusty left early this morning to go on a last minute business trip to Delaware. It was really hard to let him go, especially this week. He will be gone on Friday when I get the news and I was really sad that he won't be here with me. I have had myself convinced that it would be bad news and I want him here with me. Even if it were good news, I don't want to have to tell him on the phone. Plus, I have never stayed at this house without him and it's silly, but I am a little bit afraid.

I went back to the doctor this morning for another round of bloodwork. Although trying to remain positive, I have felt in my heart that this addition of hormones is just a futile attempt to delay the inevitable. Of course, I believe that a miracle could still occur, but I have been preparing my heart for bad news.

I left the office and went to Leslie's funeral. It was a beautiful service and honored her life well lived. But how devastating for each of us to lose such a vibrant, beautiful woman. Each of us are better because of her and she will be greatly missed. My heart is broken for her husband and precious two year olds, who will never know how much their mother adored them.

While still at the funeral, I got my test results. My hcg is up (which we expected from the shot), but my progesterone and estrogen are also significantly up! This could just be from the shot and the additional estrogen, or it could be a sign of pregnancy. I was in the midst of convincing myself that it is just from the additional hormones and I should not get my hopes up, when my fertility doctor walked up to me. I told him everything that was going on and how I had given up hope, but now I didn't know what to think. He convinced me that it really is a good sign and that it is too early to worry. I asked him if he was just telling me that to make me feel better and he said, "I have to give bad news all of the time. I don't like doing it, but I am honest. It really is just too early to know. Don't give up hope yet. This is a really good sign."

(I came home and gave myself an additional hcG booster, so now we may not have results until next Monday. If my Hcg rises significantly between now and Friday, it is a good sign, minimal rise is probably a bad sign, but we won't have a definite unless it decreases on Monday.)

So, now I don't know what to think... I really don't want to further set myself up for disappointment. But, I believe in the creator of life, capable of working miracles. I know He is fighting this for me. I trust Him to take care of me. I just don't know if this is His will. Does He have something even bigger planned for me?

So, I am driving home processing all of the emotion of the day. Thinking about Leslie and those sweet babies that are motherless. Thinking that I believe God to do whatever He wants, but could He just let me know what that is? Should I prepare my heart that this is not His plan for us? Should I continue to hope that I might be pregnant? And then, I heard the words of the song on the radio. It was a crazy mix version (on XM radio- I am currently boycotting KSBJ, as I can only stand SO many Christmas carols) of one of my favorites:

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace-

which led into " I surrender all..."

"I surrender all" is the song that was played at our wedding. We lit the unity candle and then prayed together as that hymn was played. I remember holding the hand of my husband and asking God to bless the union that He gave us. We laid our lives at His feet, surrendering our marriage, our children, whatever God had for us.

And that is exactly where I am at. Reminded of my promise to surrender my life to Him, my marriage to Him, and my children to Him. Reminded this is not my burden to carry. I am scared and I do not understand. I feel alone and confused, but asking the Lord to be my peace tonight.

Please keep praying. We need a miracle!