Sanctity of Life Day

January 17th.

I walked into the service this morning I couldn't help but think about how appropriate it was today that it is Sanctity of Life Sunday.

On this day, 11 years ago, I walked into New Life and met the parents that I had chosen for my child.

Months before, I had chosen to given my son physical life. Though I was scared out of my mind and had no idea what I was going to do, I knew that God did. I knew that no matter what the circumstances were that led to my pregnancy- God was bigger.  There was a reason God allowed this pregnancy and God had a plan. He had created life and I was in no position to take it. I have my journal from the night I discovered that I was pregnant. I clearly remember being on my knees at my grandparents' house and writing these words, "Lord, I do not understand and I am so scared. But, I pray that no matter what happens, you will use this for your glory." And my mind was made up- this child would have a life.

But on January 17th, as I walked into New Life to meet his parents, I was choosing life again for Holland. A life that I was not prepared to give him. A life full of opportunity and security. A life that would never have him torn between homes. A mommy, daddy and big sister that all lived under one roof. A family.

Let me be honest... this was not my first choice for my child. It is not the first choice of any mother. Did I want to raise my son? Absolutely. Did I have the support of my family and the resources to do so? Sure. And I had more love to give than I could ever imagine my heart was capable of. But, that wasn't enough for my child. He deserved more. Even if it meant that my heart would break when I had to admit that I was not the one who could give that to him.

The day I met his mom was her 30th birthday. When you are 18, 30 seems so old. They already had a five year old at home, but I remember thinking "this poor woman- she is already 30 and still trying to have a baby. She has had to wait so long!"

Obviously, I realize now that 30 is not as old as it seemed to me then. Physically, I still have many years ahead of me. I get that. Trust me. I do not need anyone else to tell me. But from an emotional point, there is just something about turning 30, without a baby, that breaks my heart.  And I will be 30 in just a few months.

11 years later, I do not regret my decision to give Holland life.  I grieve every single day that I do not get to be a part of that life. But, I continue to trust that God has a plan for both Holland's life and for my own. I continue to pray the same prayer that I cried out to him that night on my knees. "Please Lord, use this for your glory."