To be continued...

I ended my last post by saying, 

"These are the kind of days that make me really love my job...."

 

I used to simply refer to that punctuation as dot-dot-dot, which I have always assumed to mean "to be continued." When I finished my previous post, I did so with the intention of writing this post in the near future. I was going to tell you the "to be continued version" of that statement. I was going to tell you the ending of that story. But the truth is, I do not yet know what God has in store.

 

Because I am married to a man who knows everything about everything, I am now aware that this punctuation is called an ellipsis. When I looked it up in the dictionary, I found it's definition to be "an omission or suppression of parts of words or sentence." That's when I realized that's truly what my ellipsis was anyway, a suppression of words.

 

The words that I did not say were ones that you have heard before, but that I try not to say often. They are words that are hard for me to write because doing so makes me feel like I am weak.

But the truth is, the words that I omitted would have had said that those days of joy that make me love my job are few and far between lately.

I am honored to be a part of my friends' deliveries and overwhelmed by the significance of sharing that day with them. It reminds me of why I am Labor and Delivery nurse in the first place and makes me so grateful for the opportunity that God has given me to serve in that way. But, I used to feel that way most of the time, no matter who the patient was. I left most days feeling like I had made a difference in someone's life. But after three years of serving others as they grow their own families, while grieving the pain of infertility, I no longer have that joy. On the bad days, I have a hard time being gracious and kind. And on the good days, I have a hard time being sincerely happy for my patient. And I come home, emotionally drained, with nothing left to give to those around me.

Admitting that is so hard for me. It makes me feel weak and like I have failed. It has taken me a long time to come to a place where I can say that serving in that capacity is not the healthiest option for me or for my marriage. 

I have spent many months praying about where to go from this realization. So many of you have joined me in that prayer and I cannot thank you enough for your support in that. There have been a lot of tears and time spent on my knees about this decision, but today I resigned from Labor and Delivery.

 

Though I know that this was the right decision for this season in my life, I still struggle with feeling like I am a quitter. And I am sad. I am leaving behind a group of people that have poured into my lives for the last six years. My coworkers have become an extended family to me. They have watched me grow both as a nurse and a woman. They embraced me when I moved here from Dallas, nursed me through a break-up, celebrated with me when I met and fell in love with Rusty, gave me opinions while planning a wedding, helped me learn how to be a wife, laughed with me, cried with me, supported me and taught me.
 

And some of you that read this, do so because we first met when you were my patient. What an honor to know you and now to call you my friend! I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to play that role in your life and am sad that I will not be there as you continue to grow your families! You know that I became an L&D nurse because of the experience that I had with my nurses when Holland was born. The first one was so cold and hateful, but then another nurse came in and was so compassionate and loving. She changed my whole experience for the positive! If I brought just one ounce of comfort or joy to your day, than I will have succeeded in my goal. 

 

But here is the "to be continued" part of the story that I can share with you- 

I have accepted a new job and will start work in a few weeks!

It is at a new hospital, where I will be a surgical pre-op and recovery nurse. My patients will be both orthopedic and cardiac patients. That means, women and men of all ages! I am a little scared because I will have so much to learn after caring for only women and babies since I graduated from nursing school 7 years ago! But, I am excited for the challenge and anxious to get back to a regular schedule (and paycheck!)

Right now, it is just a PRN position, but I will be able to move into a part-time position as soon as one opens up and will quality for insurance coverage. Why is this so exciting? Because this new insurace covers fertility costs!!  After paying out of pocket for three years of infertility testing and two rounds of IVF, this is a huge blessing for us!

So, as I close one chapter in my life, I look forward to opening a new one! As always, thank you for journeying along beside us and loving us through our story. I don't know what is next, but I have read this author before and I trust that He has something up His sleeve. I hope that you stick around to find out what it is.