So, I am not alone after all!

I have often said that one of the greatest things that has come from this journey of infertility is the relationships that have been both formed or nurtured along the way. It has brought me closer to the Lord, to my husband and to many friends that share the burden of infertility. And I have made many new friendships that have blossomed from a common bond that we share- a desire to have a baby. I have been loved, supported, prayed for, encouraged and embraced by an amazing group of friends.

But, in the midst of a crowd of women that share that desire with me, I have often felt very alone and isolated.

Though our hurts, our disappointments, our pains and our pleas to Lord may sound the same, they are very different. We all have a different story, a different path that led us to where we are today.

And as a birthmom, my story is very different than any of the women around me. My pain is no greater, but it is different. I have never felt like there is anyone that could truly understand me or to support me in the grief and fear that I walk through.

 Several weeks ago, Rusty and I had a conversation about being a birthmom that is now facing infertility. We pondered how rare that must be and wondered how many other birthmoms there are out there that are walking this same path. Rusty's guess was one in ten million. I laughed and told him that it wasn't that rare and that there had to be other birthmoms that have faced this. But, in my heart, I felt the burden of being very alone.  If there is someone else out there, I certainly have never met her.

The very next morning, we were sitting in church and Rusty was reading the bulletin. He began to laugh and pointed out a section for me to read. It was a blurb about the adoption care ministry at our church. It described a class that would be held on May 2nd, called "A bithmother's perspective." The description said something to the effect of "come hear  Jeannine Floores from Breath of Life Ministries, share her story of being both an birthmother and an adoptive mother. A special invitation is extended to all birthmothers." I couldn't believe it! God's sense of humor and timing never cease to amaze me.

On Sunday night, we attended that class. I was so blessed to meet Jeannine and hear her story of placing a baby for adoption, then facing infertility and adopting a beautiful son. Several years later, she and her husband "spontaneously conceived" (as we in the infertility world refer to it) another son. She now runs a beautiful ministry in Austin called Breath of Life, which is a ministry to women in unplanned pregnancies.

Hearing her story was so powerful for both Rusty and I. I sat in the back of the room and for the first time ever, heard someone share the same painful memories that I have. The same gut wrenching decisions. The same shame, same guilt, same fears, same pain. And the same hope. Hope for a better future for a child than what we could give. Hope of a relationship with that child after many years of being strangers.

When I got the chance to talk with Jeannine, I felt something that I have not felt from the day that we got our diagnosis of infertility.... I felt understood. She got it. She understood what I was saying without me having to explain my rationale. She finished my sentences. She really understood. I wish I could put into words how much comfort that brought me.

Her son also got up and spoke and I was so moved by the testimony of an adopted child. It was so emotional to hear him speak about his birthmother- the questions that he has about her and the hope that he has of someday having a relationship with her. As he spoke, all I could think of was my son. Will he have those same questions? Will he have that same desire to know me? Will I ever have the chance to tell him how much I love him?

Meeting Jeannine could not have come at a better time in my life. The last few months have been a trying time for Rusty and I, but a time of real growth and maturation. Our hearts have been opened to opportunities that we could have never imagined. We have been on a roller coaster of emotions as the Lord has begun to reveal parts of His plan and perfect timing to us. Yet, I am often impatient and get frustrated that I can still only see just glimpses of what He is doing. But, as He reminded me this week, through Jeannine:

His timing is always perfect. Always.

And I am never alone.